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You are here: Home | Magazine | Features | You The Jury | You the jury October 2008 - Would you intervene if a friend was being abused by their partner?

You the jury October 2008 - Would you intervene if a friend was being abused by their partner?

Is it worth getting involved if you suspect violence in a relationship, or should you leave well alone? Interviews by Elizabeth Openshaw

No

Amy*, 34, suffered two abusive marriages, and has two daughters. She now volunteers with Refuge, a charity that helps women suffering domestic violence.

I was in two abusive relationships for over seven years, one verbal and one physical. I'd sought help from Refuge after I'd moved away from my first husband in 2003. Two years on I was involved with the service and helped out when I could.

My neighbour, Kim* and her partner, Dave* were always having rows. We'd get woken in the night by the often physical rows they had. Although I never saw any bruises on Kim, I knew she was unhappy. I'd been there before so I knew the signs. She'd come round for coffee occasionally and I broached the subject about how she was feeling. Because of my work at Refuge I persuaded Kim to come with me to the drop-in centre. She appreciated the thought but she never went back. We talked often, but she never let me know what was really happening on the other side of the walls.

One night, there was so much shouting going on outside the front of the house, I was frightened. But I acted on instinct. I marched out there and told Dave to leave. I couldn't bear the thought of anther woman being treated so badly, like I had been, and especially a friend. Dave eventually left, taking the car. Kim was really grateful, thanking me over and over. Afterwards, I was shaking and wondering what had possessed me to intervene! The next few days, I popped over often, taking round some shopping and making sure she was all right.

Two weeks after that, I saw Dave at the house and found out they were back together. I couldn't believe it. Dave totally ignored me, but worse, so did Kim. She won't talk to me and avoids me at all times. It's as if she's ashamed I know whats going on. I do feel betrayed, her reaction makes me feel I was a busybody. I was only trying to stop her being hurt, but Kim has flung it back in my face. Not only has she let me down, but she's let herself down by having Dave back. I'd definitely think twice about helping someone again. I think it's not worth it unless the person involved understands they have to help themselves too. As it stands, I've lost a friend through intervening and that's really sad. But it's her loss, and I have to move on with my life.

Yes

Ange Fox, 39, from Surrey, suffered years of abuse from her husband until she took him to court with the help of a friend, Brian. Ange is a family support worker for Social Services and behavioural support assistant for Education. Brian, 38, has written booklets on domestic abuse and they both run a life coaching website http://www.smellthereality.com/.

For 15 years, I was mentally and physically abused by my husband. We had two children - Toni, now 18, and Kane, now ten - but that didn't stop Philip slamming my head in the door or worse. I confided in my sister, a couple of friends and some domestic abuse agencies, who had my best interests at heart, but they just told me to leave, which I wasn't emotionally or practically ready to do. I lacked the confidence to make it on my own. Philip, now 42, had a hold over me that surpassed anything.

Then in 2002, a childhood friend who had moved to Australia contacted me. She knew I was going through a difficult time and suggested I talk to her husband, Brian, because he was a great listener, logical and objective. I couldn't see how he could help when no one else had, but she gave him my email address and we started chatting. Over time I started telling Brian more. It felt safe because he was so far away and I was ashamed of telling my family all the humiliating details. He asked, "Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?" That really struck a chord. People were always telling me to leave, but never asking me questions. I stayed because I didn't feel worthy or strong enough to start afresh, but Brian built up my self-esteem. Over 18 months of talking to him, I started to trust again.

One night in January 2004, Philip attacked me for two hours, leaving me bleeding. I sat in the bath with a knife, feeling degraded and alone. I texted Brian, who said, "Do you want to leave your children with this man?" That did it. The next morning I went to the police and Philip was charged. He was later convicted of rape, and sentenced to five years. Brian gave me the confidence and courage to do it. When he split from his wife, he moved to the UK. We became closer and married in 2005.

I would definitely intervene if someone needed it. I think if Brian hadn't come along, I'd still be with Philip, and that's too terrible to think about. Brian helping me through the abuse changed my life for the better.

Would you intervene if a friend was being abused by their partner? (CLOSED)

Yes

No

What do you think? Share your thoughts with other readers on Candis Chat.

The National Domestic Violence Helpline number is 0808 2000 247, run in partnership with Women's Aid and Refuge.