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You are here: Home | Magazine | Features | You The Jury | You the jury September 2008 - Would you ever put your parent in a home?

You the jury September 2008 - Would you ever put your parent in a home?

Does the thought of having your parents live with you fill you with dread, or is it your duty to look after them?

Interviews by Elizabeth Openshaw

No If I had known how poorly regulated homes are, I would never have put Mum in one
Krys Dylewska's mother, Maria, suffered five years of sub-standard care at a variety of nursing homes. Krys, 53, a medical writer from London, eventually cared for Maria at home until she died earlier this year. Krys was helped by Counsel and Care, who aim for the best care and support for the elderly and their families. Visit http://www.counselandcare.org.uk/.

My mother was living with me when she was diagnosed with vascular dementia. She was mobile but her mind was going, and I asked Social Services for help. Mum was in the first home for a year, where she received appalling care, like her clothes being cut and having a lettuce roll for tea. I reported the incidents to the regulators, the Commission for Social Care Inspection, who upheld my complaints.

Mum collapsed one day and was taken to hospital. After two months she went to a temporary home before a place came up in a home we'd chosen.

The care was abysmal for three months, and when I complained the staff made my mother leave. Mum went to another home, which was fine for a year, until the manager left. One day, Mum's leg was covered in bruises, with no explanation. She was admitted to hospital with dehydration - she couldn't move, and hadn't been given a drink regularly. I made a complaint but nothing was done or explained. I found her another home, but again the care was inadequate. Mum had a graze up her arm, and when I mentioned a bruise on her forehead, the nurse told staff not to speak to me. I often thought of bringing her home but couldn't find any private carers who spoke Polish.

In 2006, a place was found with Polish carers. After a year, Mum was hurt, two days after her 92nd birthday. Her nose was broken, her face split open and we later found she was blind in one eye. They said she'd jumped out of her chair. As she couldn't move, it was unlikely.

I'd had enough, and four days later I took Mum home. Those last few months of Mum's life were happy. I could sleep at night knowing she was in my care. I was devastated when she died in May.

For the investigation into the accident, our version wasn't told until after the decision was made. If I had known how poorly regulated homes are, I would never have put Mum in one. I want to publish everything on the web, and ask for a judicial review. I suffered five years of hell, but it was worse for my mother.

Yes Martina Keens-Betts, 39, looked after her mother, Angela, 83, for two years before she went into a home. Martina ?is a headhunter from Hampshire, ?and a member of Dementia Care Pathways Group, which aims to improve services for dementia patients and carers in Hampshire. She's also a member of the Alzheimer's Society. Visit http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/ for advice.

We've always been a close family, and losing my father when I was young meant my sister, Caroline, and I were even closer to our mother. When she was diagnosed with vascular dementia, we were determined to care for her ourselves. We were adamant on that, and totally against nursing homes.

As Caroline was married with children, it made sense for me to care for Mum, so I moved into her house. Vascular dementia is a series of mini strokes, like a stepping graph, so it can be bad then level off for a while. Then you wake up one morning and they've wet the bed or don't know who you are. Mum started wandering around at night, and was put on anti-psychotics. I became a prisoner in my own home. I couldn't even go for milk as I constantly had to keep an eye on her. Mum was physically fit, but her mind was going. The strain got greater until I couldn't cope any longer.

Mum attended a day care centre three days a week, which was brilliant, but the centre said they wouldn't be able to care for her if she started wandering. So when she did, we knew we had to make a decision. Researching care homes was stressful and confusing, but one stuck out in my mind - Marlfields in Alton - because the staff were so nice. With a new wing added, there was space for her, and she moved there in February 2007. It was like a hotel inside, and Mum settled in really well - she thinks she's on holiday. I'm so happy with it, and have no complaints. I visit one evening a week and all day Saturday, when I can take her out. Sometimes she doesn't recognise me, but I'm so used to it, I don't let it bother me.

It's a relief to get my life back after two years. In the early stages sometimes I wanted Mum to die because I couldn't bear the thought of her becoming someone else. I don't think like that any more. Instead I can concentrate on enjoying my relationship with her. That's the biggest relief, knowing Mum is cared for. I don't have to worry at all now.
Mum settled in really well - she thinks she's on holiday. I'm so happy with it, and have no complaints.

Would you ever put your parent in a home? (CLOSED)

Yes

No

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