December 2011 - Ask me anything!
“My ex is nasty to me and our children”
I have two daughters, aged 15 and nine, by my ex-husband and I’m happy for them to see him, but he is so nasty to them and me that they don’t want to go. He has a court order saying that they have to go. The Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) became involved after six years of hassle, but because my ex had warned the girls to not say anything nasty about him, the report seemed to be more against me than him! My new husband has two daughters by his ex. Because she was messing him around over contact, he took her to court for the right to see them, but the judges told his ex that she could pretty much do what she wanted! Now my husband has even more difficulty in seeing them, and they aren’t even allowed to spend time with us this Christmas. Why is it that a nasty man gets a court order and a good one doesn’t? I am so stressed – is there anything I can do to help?
Louise
Denise says: I wish I could tell you that there was a simple answer to this, because that would benefit everyone, especially all the children. Unfortunately, the family courts can be difficult to negotiate and you will need a solicitor you can trust. In your case, I think family mediation might help and your solicitor can arrange for you to have that. A trained and impartial observer would then be able to see how your ex-husband behaves. If he refused to take part in mediation, that could count against him. And at 15, your elder daughter could apply to be heard by the court, which will sometimes take into account the views of children over 12. The court’s almost unbreakable rule is that, except where there is a compelling reason like violence, a child is better off staying in contact with both parents. I agree with this in principle, but if your daughter can give details of her father’s behaviour, particularly if he has threatened her not to speak out, that could make a difference. In your husband’s case, I suggest he contacts Families Need Fathers. They have huge experience of cases like his and can advise on how he can get his parental rights. Stopping his children from seeing him at Christmas seems petty and I understand his resentment. Try to stay calm through all this. I know it’s hard when you are being unfairly treated, but to get the right result for your children, you need to put your energy into ensuring fair play.
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