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February 2010 - Ask me anything?

"What happened to the man I married?"

My husband and I dated for a couple of years and then two years ago we decided to get married. Before we were so happy together - he was always affectionate and showered me with compliments - but as soon as we got married that all seemed to change. I suppose my ideas that how we felt about each other would last until we grew old together were a bit unrealistic but I feel my husband has changed from the warm and loving man that I fell in love with. At home he's quiet and moody and when we're out he puts me down at every opportunity, making jokes about all my short-comings.

I know I'm not perfect but comments about a dinner disaster or a bad haircut are really hurtful. I try not to show how upset he makes me feel in public and just laugh it off but when we get home I break down. To be fair to him, he does apologise and says it won't happen again but I know it will. I feel angry and humiliated. How can I make him stop? Suzanne

DENISE SAYS: This kind of behaviour occurs when someone is unsure of themselves, and making someone else seem smaller makes them feel bigger. He picks on you because he counts on you not fighting back. Has anything changed at work for your husband so that he might be suffering low self-esteem? Are your friends making him feel inadequate so that he fends them off by disrespecting you? You need to let him know it's affecting your marriage but it's also important you ask him why he's behaving this way. Giving him the opportunity to open up to you will help turn this from a blame-laden argument to a calm discussion. However, if there are no underlying reasons, then you need to tell him that it has to stop or you will be forced to consider separation. Marriage Care (www.marriagecare.org.uk ; 020 7371 1341) will give you advice and support in the meantime.

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