June 2010 - Ask me anything?
"I can't
forgive and forget"
My husband had an affair in 2008 - we'd been married for eight years. Up until then I'd thought our marriage was rock solid; we had the usual squabbles about money, but other than that we were quite happy. After a year apart, and a lot of soul-searching, we got back together and he promised me it would never happen again. I know he is a good man and really regrets what he did to me and our two young children. He does everything he can to show me how much he cares but I can't get over the thought of him and this other woman together. It's making me shy away from intimacy with him and I know this hurts him. I've really tried to tell myself the past is past but I can't seem to make the painful memory go away. I feel guilty about this and then I feel resentful because I wasn't the one who started it so I am going round in circles. Grace
DENISE SAYS: Don't feel guilty. You've been through an ordeal and, yes, he was the one who started it. But it sounds as though there's a real chance of a happy united family so don't give up. When betrayal enters our lives, it lurks inside us, spoiling everything. Gradually, when two people are each making an effort, good things come in and start to push the unhappy memories back and back until gradually they become manageable. You may never forget but you'll cease to put the painful thoughts at the forefront of everything you do. That's when the old closeness will return. I think it would hasten the process if you talked with a dispassionate third party and let out your anger and resentment. Marriage Care (www.marriagecare.org.uk; 020 7371 1341) will listen and support you.
To read more from Denise Robertson either turn to page 66 in your June issue or please join
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