August 2010 - Ask me anything
"He's
lost that loving feeling"
For the last seven years my husband and I have had
no intimate contact. I talked him into going to the doctors but
they have found nothing medically wrong. Two years ago he was given
Viagra, but he won't take it or even talk to me so that we can
try to work things out. I am only in my 50s and feel that my sex
life should not be over yet! I love my husband and miss the contact
so much. I just wish he'd talk to me. I have accused him of
having an affair, but he doesn't spend any time away and
doesn't go out in the evening either. Please, what advice can
you offer me? Janice
DENISE SAYS: There are several possibilities -
his love for you could have waned, but if he is still kind and
helpful in other ways this is unlikely. Or he could have worries
over work or be suffering from depression. Any of these would
affect his libido. The most common cause of this situation is fear
of failure. A man who has had difficulty sustaining an erection
often fears he may not be able to perform next time and will try to
avoid anything, even small loving actions, that he fears might lead
to penetrative sex and failure. This is sad because, in all
probability, his failure would only have been temporary. I suggest
you tell him that you need him to be loving and demonstrative, but
do not want full sex for the time being. If you can get back into
loving ways, his desire may return or he may be more willing to
accept help from the doctor, or from Relate's trained sexual
therapists (www.relate.org.uk, 0300 100 1234). In
other words, remove the fear of failure. If he is unwilling even to
show affection when no more is expected of him, I think you need to
talk to Relate yourself and discuss your future.
To read more from Denise Robertson either turn to page 66 in your June issue or please join
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