October 2011 - Ask me anything
If you've got a problem that's giving you sleepless nights, our resident agony aunt Denise Robertson is here to help. From money worries to family matters, Denise offers readers her unique brand of caring advice...
"I'm desperate to have another child"
Three years ago I had a stillborn baby. Two months after that my husband was made redundant. He got another job but was then involved in a major car accident, his heart stopped twice and he spent six weeks in hospital. We have a five year old who is my life, but I need more. Though previously I fell pregnant with ease, we have since tried for another baby to no avail. They say it's stress that prevents pregnancy. Can I still be grieving over the miscarriage? We have now decided to adopt, so why do I still hate pregnant women? I know we have made the right decision as I'm 40 and my biological clock is ticking, but I still want both. We are a strong family and my husband is happy whatever we do. I feel empty and cheated, so how do I stop feeling this way? Lorraine
Denise says:
I'm not surprised you feel as you do. You are suffering from bereavement, shock and justifiable anger at the way life has behaved. You seem to think three years is long enough to recover, but the fact is you had to shelve the pain of losing your baby in order to stand by your husband, then almost lost him twice. The legal ramifications
of his case are still ongoing and in
all that time you've had a yearning for another baby with the monthly disappointment of not conceiving.
I know your biological clock is ticking but I still think you need to get your breath back before making decisions. If you didn't have counselling after the stillbirth, talk to SANDS (020 7436 5881). They help families after stillbirth or neonatal death. Then talk to Infertility Network UK (0800 008 744). They can help you assess your chances of conceiving, if this hasn't already been done, and also discuss adoption with you. You need a clear idea of your feelings before you talk about adoption with the people who can make it happen. Believe me, I understand your desire for a child but in fairness to everyone involved you need to assemble a clear picture of your goal before you embark on anything. You have been through a period of intense stress. Now you have a chance to take matters in hand, clear your head of the debris of the last three years and sort out the life you want. Getting a little help along the way will make that process much easier.
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