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You are here: Home | Magazine | Features | You The Jury | You the jury February 2009 - Could you forgive your partner for having an affair?

You the jury February 2009 - Could you forgive your partner for having an affair?

It's the ultimate test to a relationship - do you forgive and forget,
or move on to pastures new? Interviews by Elizabeth Openshaw

No

Louise Macleay, 44, lives in Burton-on-Trent, Staffordshire, with her two sons, aged 15 and 6. She was married to Anthony*, also 44, for ten years before he had an affair.

My eldest son was 4 when Anthony started an affair. Over the next five months, I didn't suspect what was going on, but some things he did and said were odd. He started taking more interest in his appearance, lost weight and was more conscious of his stomach.

Still, we'd been married for ten years and I trusted him totally. Then I came home from the shops one afternoon to see Anthony's car on the drive. I knew something was wrong because he was never home early. "I've got something to tell you," he said in front of our son. "I'm leaving you." My world fell apart. It was a total shock, I trusted him 100 per cent. I went upstairs to catch my breath, I didn't know what to do and then my son came in to hug me saying, "Don't worry, mummy, we'll be alright." That made me cry. Sobbing, I told Anthony to go to his mum's.

It turned out he'd met this woman, Samantha*, through work. When he told me he was working a late shift he was spending time at her house as her husband worked nights. It wasn't just that he'd slept with another woman but the lies I couldn't forgive.

The shock was so great we didn't try to save the marriage. His coldness over the effect his affair had on me and our son made me realise this wasn't something that could be worked on.
I believed we had a strong marriage and he totally smashed that belief.

I divorced Anthony on the grounds of adultery, citing Samantha as the other woman. They aren't together now. I've got a partner of three years but we don't live together. Part of me likes the independence, plus I could never trust a man 100 per cent again. I'm more pessimistic now and scared of being rejected and heartbroken again.

I trusted Anthony unconditionally and what he did was unforgivable. He never gave our marriage the chance it deserved. By not being honest about how he felt before starting the affair he threw everything we had away as if it was nothing. To anyone in the same situation, I would say affairs destroy trust so it's best to get out while you can. It's unforgivable to have an affair and expect the marriage to survive, you have to move on and think of yourself and your children.

Yes

Gemma*, 37, has been married to David* for 11 years and they have two children.

Our relationship was ticking along fine - after seven years together we weren't in the first flush of love but it was comfortable, or so I thought. We both worked and were extremely busy with family and friends, but looking back, we didn't take much time for just the two of us. When David announced he was seeing someone, I was devastated.

He'd been sleeping with Lucinda* for six months and I didn't have a clue. My first reaction was anger, then humiliation, then sadness. What had gone wrong with us? David had told me because he couldn't lie to me anymore. So we started to talk. Once communication got going, loads of issues came up, like how David felt he'd been taken for granted, our sex life had become non-existent, and how we'd never taken the time to actually talk about important things.

It was hard to hear because I felt David was the one in the wrong as he'd had the affair. But gradually I saw I should take some of the blame for not putting enough into the marriage.David agreed to stop seeing Lucinda so we could try to save our marriage. It was worth a go, especially for the sake of the children. The most difficult thing was learning to trust David again. I was edgy if he went out on his own and would interrogate him when he got back, but gradually things started to improve. David reassured me he wouldn't stray again and I started to believe him. It took a few months but I became more secure as the relationship improved. I could see a change in David as well; he was more content. We made an extra effort with our sex life too, which was really important for us. I don't mean you have to have sex every night, but physical closeness with your partner is a must if you want a relationship to survive, it's about finding the right balance.

David's affair happened for a reason - throwing our marriage away without trying to sort out the problem would have been a waste, devastating for the kids and financially crippling for us both. Working on our relationship has meant we've both learned more about each other and are a stronger couple. It's been four years since the affair and of course I wish it'd never happened, but because both of us put a great deal of time and energy into putting things right it means we now have a more honest, respectful relationship.

Could you forgive your partner for having an affair? (CLOSED)

Yes

No

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