You the jury May 2009 - Would you ask a friend to care for your children if you died?
Would friends be better at knowing what you would want
for your kids or is blood thicker than water every time?
Interviews by Elizabeth Openshaw
No
Kirsty Coulter, 37, and her husband Matt, 38, have two daughters -
Milly, 6, and Eve, 2. They live in Woodingdean, East Sussex, and
run a roofing business with Matt's brother and sister-in-law,
Julian and Alison Coulter. In 2007, my older sister, Kerry, asked
us if we'd have her two children should anything happen to her
and her husband. She was having a will drafted and wanted to sort
it out.
We said yes, and it got us thinking about what would happen to Milly and Eve if we both died. It's not a subject you want to talk about but we went through all the family - my parents have more of a social life than we do, Matt's parents are too old, my younger sister is a single mum with two kids, and I felt it would be too much of a financial burden for Kerry. Matt's brother, Julian, and his wife Alison, both 42, have three children - James, 17, Stephanie, 14, and Charlotte, 11. Right from the start they were the perfect choice, they live just two miles away, our children have grown up with having their three around and there is an incredible bond between them.
We even asked James to be Eve's godfather when he was 15. He takes the role very seriously, loves playing with Eve and looks after both of our girls if I have to work. So we asked Julian and Alison about a year ago.
We were talking about wills and the subject came up. They immediately agreed. Alison said she felt honoured and touched that we'd entrust them with our children. For me, choosing a family member rather than friends wins every time. I can understand it might be different if you aren't close to family. However, Matt has always got on really well with his brother, and has known Alison since he was ten. Even though I have a close network of friends, I knew it would always be family who'd look after our children. I'd want to keep them within the family circle as family ties should remain strong - after all, blood's thicker than water.
Their kids are a bit older but Alison is really good with small children. I've also got real respect for their parenting skills, their children are great and I'd love ours to turn out like them.
My mum knows about our decision; she wants what's best for the girls and understands. My sisters are fine about it too. Now all we have to do is write a will. It's comforting to know our daughters will be looked after by family, I know they'll be fine.
Yes
Sarah Butters, 35, and her husband Daniel, 34, an
accountant, live in Leeds with their two children - Isobel, 5, and
Eliza, 3. Sarah is editor of local parenting magazine Families
Leeds.
A few years ago, a friend asked me for advice on writing her will
and it made us think about what would happen to our children if we
died.
At first we just talked about it, but if we went away for a night,
just the two of us, it would worry me that nothing was in writing.
We thought long and hard and decided we wanted the children to stay
in the area they've grown up in and be part of a family with
children of a similar age.
Neither of our parents were an option due to location or age and my
brother lives in Blackpool. I didn't want the girls being
moved. It would be traumatic enough losing parents, for them to
then lose everything they knew seemed cruel.
So partly geography and partly circumstances meant family wasn't a feasible option. The obvious choice was my friend, Charlotte, 37, who is godmother to both our girls, and her husband, Justin, also 37, who is godfather to Eliza.
I've known Charlotte since my 20s, she's my closest friend and they live in the Leeds area. They also have two children - Elliott, 2, and Lucinda, 1, - so they're roughly the same age. I knew they'd treat our children as their own. We asked them last Christmas. They are a considerate couple and I didn't want them to say yes just to make me happy. However, they agreed straight away.
They haven't asked us the same for their children but they have close family. It's not about giving people badges, just making sure a plan is in place so my children's best interests are taken care of.
We're in the process of drawing up a will with all the
stipulations in there, which should be finished soon. It's a
huge commitment so I'd have to think very carefully if someone
asked me the same question. It isn't simply a question of
geography - it's about placing the children in a home with
similarly aged children, and two adults who love them.
I don't worry about the children losing touch with our wider
families. Charlotte and Justin are passionate about their own
family unit and I know they would honour the background of my
children. I haven't told my family our plans. I don't think
anyone else has a say in this. We have made the right decision
based on what's best for our children.
Would you ask a friend to care for your children if you died? (CLOSED)
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