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You are here: Home | Magazine | Features | You The Jury | You the jury December 2008 - Would you tell someone if their partner made a pass at you?

You the jury December 2008 - Would you tell someone if their partner made a pass at you?

It's a time of good cheer, but should a drunken fumbling at a Christmas party be laughed off or taken seriously? Interviews by Elizabeth Openshaw

No

Rupert Blake, 43, is a civil engineer and lives in Brighton, East Sussex, with his wife and their three children, aged eight, six and three.

Just before Christmas a few years ago, my girlfriend at the time, Fiona*, had a house party. We'd been seeing each other for six months and I was really in love with her. At one point during the party I found myself alone in the kitchen with her mother, Jean*. I was sitting at the table when suddenly Jean strode over to me and gave me a full-on snog on the lips. I was stunned and pulled away but it was too late, she'd already kissed me. It was very awkward after that and I didn't know what to say. I think Jean was embarrassed but I couldn't look Fiona in the eye for the rest of the evening. I felt guilty, even though I hadn't done anything wrong. I also felt I had to tell Fiona.

The day after the party, I said to Fiona, "A very strange thing happened last night - your mother kissed me." Initially Fiona laughed because that was always her reaction to anything she didn't know how to deal with. Then she asked me some more questions, and I told her it was just that one pass her mother had made at me. However, she had a screaming match with her mother and it took a while before the three of us could be in same room together. Fiona started making excuses as to why I couldn't go to her mum's house, which was really difficult because we'd always gone there before. Our relationship cooled off, even though I still had strong feelings for her, the kiss from her mother changed things. We split up, and when Fiona and her family moved out of the area, we lost touch.

I believe the relationship would have survived if I hadn't told her. I think Fiona resented me for not stopping her mother coming on to me. But I'd been so shocked, it had taken me by surprise. I'm sure Jean did it on a whim and wasn't trying to seduce me, but Fiona couldn't see that. Telling Fiona about the kiss ruined our relationship, and I wish I hadn't done. Fiona didn't need to know because it meant nothing. If that happened to me, I wouldn't want to be told because harmless flirting is just that - harmless. If a pass led to other things, that would be different and I would want to know, but this kiss didn't mean anything. A pass is often a spur of the moment thing that's meaningless. But because I told Fiona, I lost her, and I've regretted it ever since.

Yes

Angelee Osborn, 42, is a part-time model and mum to three teenagers. She lives in Wickford, Essex, with her husband and their three children, aged 18, 16 and 13.

I was at my friend Patricia's* house, having a few drinks, when her husband, Mike*, started talking to me about sex. I'd known Patricia for two years after meeting through work and I counted her as a really good friend. Mike was telling me how their sex life was non-existent. I felt uncomfortable and kept trying to steer the conversation away but he kept bringing it back to sex. Then he sat next to me, put his hand on my knee and looked me deep in the eyes. He asked if I'd like to go upstairs with him and make love. At first I thought he was joking, but he was serious. I was so embarrassed, slapped his hand away and went into the kitchen, shaking. I knew I had to tell Patricia but I felt sick and my stomach was churning.

How would she react? What if she thought I was leading him on? She might hit me or throw me out. Eventually I told her what Mike had said. Patricia was silent for a while and looked stunned. Then she blurted out they didn't have sex and this was his way of coping. When I told my husband, he was furious, wanting to have it out with Mike but I calmed him down.

The next time I saw Patricia, it was awkward. We never talked about it but things were never the same between us. We still met for lunch or to go shopping but we never talked like best friends again; she never told me her personal problems. We drifted apart and five years later, Patricia wrote, telling me she'd divorced Mike and remarried. I sent her a wedding present.

If I hadn't told her about Mike, it would have played on my mind like a dirty secret. Patricia was my best friend and if someone's your friend, you tell them otherwise it's always hanging over you. It's better knowing earlier so you can do something about it. If Patricia had found out later, she would have felt betrayed and might have thought I was hiding something. If I hadn't told, I'd have been colluding with Mike. It would have made a fool out of Patricia and I valued her much more than that. Mike put me in a situation that was wrong and I was trying to make it right by telling. If it happened to me, I'd want to be told. Even though I lost my friend through it, I'm still glad I told, and I'd do it again.

Would you tell someone if their partner made a pass at you? (CLOSED)

Yes

No

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