You the jury July 2009 - Is marriage an outdated institution?
It's a tradition that has been around for centuries, but with fewer couples walking down the aisle has marriage had its day? ask Elizabeth Openshaw
No
Sandra Lehane, 41, from Beckenham, Kent, has been married to
Declan, 48, for 19 years. They have a son, Adam, 21, and a
daughter, Claire, 19. Sandra and Declan run their own business.
Marriage has become less important and less valued in society than
it used to be, and that makes me sad. It seems too easy to get
divorced nowadays, almost 'normal'. I've always had a
positive outlook to marriage - my parents had a very strong
marriage and so have my sisters. Being Declan's wife makes me
proud, I'm still my own person but I have someone to share
everything with and to take the strain if things get too much.
I was only 18 when I met Declan, and from the start being together
just felt completely right. When I fell pregnant, I was still
living at home and it was tricky, but as soon as Adam was born,
Declan and I became a proper couple. I fell pregnant again in
August 1989. We had talked about getting married, so we brought it
forward to December that year - a registry office then a reception
at my sister's. It was small but what we wanted. Besides
marriage isn't about the big wedding or spending lots of money.
It's about showing the world you love, honour and respect each
other, a personal commitment to show you want to be with your
partner forever. Yes it's a big step. Yes you know it won't
be plain sailing but how much more amazing is that commitment for
not being the easy option?
Living together is like saying, I'm going to keep my options
open. How can you trust someone who will only commit half way?
I'd feel they were reserving their get-out clause. To me,
co-habiting is like settling for second best. Getting married
provides stability, passion, companionship and a warm nurturing
environment to bring up children with the knowledge there is always
someone you love, and who loves you, standing by your side.
I haven't intentionally encouraged my children to view marriage
as the best thing, but I hope my relationship with Declan sets a
good example. We have an old-fashioned marriage - my responsibility
is the home and children, and Declan built up our business. I'd
like them to do loads of things before settling down with the right
person.
When we exchanged rings, they became a symbol of our love,
friendship and deep commitment to each other, and that's never
going to change.
Yes
Nicci Forte, 56, from Worcestershire, was married to childhood
sweetheart, John, for 16 years. She is now with Peter Taylor, 66,
and has been for 12 years. They have no plans to marry. Nicci, has
two children, Callum, 24, and Carina, 18.
Marriage is an excess nowadays. It's lost its importance in
society because people don't understand what it is anymore.
Marriage used to be a big consideration because there were so many
implications attached to it, like changing the dynamics of the
family, and religious beliefs. I married John when I was 26.
Naively I thought marriage would be like a fairytale but the
reality was different. Over the years, I became ill with ME from
the stress. I was independent, outgoing, and ready to do anything
to make our marriage work. But that's the problem - if you have
to make it work, it won't. We had two children but, as the
years passed, I found myself facing the fact 'we'
weren't 'we' anymore - John was 'he' and
'I' was the kids and me, so we divorced.
Marriage changes things - you become owned by that person just
because of a piece of paper. As a woman, you're expected to
take your husband's name, and to me that's losing your
identity. I felt owned by John, always having to conform to what he
wanted. A relationship shouldn't be like that. That's why
living with Peter works. When we first got together, he used to ask
me to marry him, but I'd sworn no one would ever own me again.
I just don't believe you need to sign a piece of paper and
spend a lot of money on a wedding to convince people you're in
love.
One day talking to a colleague, I realised Peter and I were
'married' in every sense apart from the certificate. That
piece of paper is a waste of time. I can declare my love for him on
a beach but I don't need a legal document to say that. As for
security, I've never felt more safe or secure than I do now.
Peter and I trust each other and don't need a piece of paper to
confirm this. Are we lucky to have found each other or just honest
about the way we love each other? Love is friendship, honesty and
trust, with lust as the fun bit in-between. Love is something you
can't make happen - you're either in love or not. Peter and
I don't need a marriage certificate to tell us that.
Is marriage an outdated institution? (CLOSED)
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Comments:
"Marriage is still the big day as far as I am concerned. My wife and I are so far in name only, but saving hard to make sure that we end up with that piece of paper that way too many people take for granted. Of course, in our case it's not marriage so much as a civil service, but the fact remains that once we have that we both have more rights together than without it. With it, we do not need to worry quite so much if one or the other passes away once we have our own house. With it, if my wifes mother needs to stay inthe UK (she lives in the USA), she will be able to do so. With it, my wife who does suffer from a low self esteem on occasion will feel that much more accepted into this part of the world and that much more a part of my life. Marriage is something that everyone should be able to have if they desire. The fact that these days you need to have money in the hundreds and often in the thousands, is to me rather sad. What ever happened to at least being able to recite your vows officiallly without needing money? Is marriage important? As long as it can still spark debates like this, and people are still prepared to pay astronomical amounts of money just to get that piece of paper, I have to say yes."
Rebecca Briggs - Friday 12th Jun 2009