20 ways to tell you’re English
It’s St George’s Day on the 23rd of April – and he is, after all, the patron saint of England, due to his dragon-slaying skills. So here’s how to tell if you’re worthy of him.
You’re English if…
- You whisk off your outer layers the moment a weak ray of sun struggles through the clouds, and turn lobster pink because you went in the garden for ten minutes.
- The first thing you do after a holiday is ignore the pile of post and fill the kettle.
- You’re polite to everybody apart from queue jumpers. Because frankly, shoving in is just unacceptable, regardless of whether a fire has broken out, or they’re giving away free TVs.
- You take your own teabags abroad. Come on – that European ‘yellow label’ stuff isn’t tea, it’s a weak joke.
- You know that whatever train you have to be on, without fail, will be running late, due to vague, unspecified signalling problems, and you’ll probably miss your crucial job interview – but the announcer will make a joke, and you’ll laugh anyway.
- Drawing strangers’ attention to yourself in any way is on a par with strolling naked down the high street. Both are unthinkable.
- If anyone says “New York, Paris…” you know the next word is “Peckham”.
- There is at least one measurement that you always think of in Imperial.
- You know that it’s insane to ask a cab driver what he thinks about the government/celebrities/history/life itself, because you’ll immediately be buried in an avalanche of opinion.
- You’re wildly cavalier about crossing the road safely, but you won’t touch anything past its sell-by date.
- You know which one is Ant and which one is Dec, and can name their one and only hit record.
- You quite want Prince William to be the King, and perhaps we’ll just, you know, skip over Charles.
- Your personal heroes include Harry Potter, David Beckham, Richie Benaud and Churchill (at least the War bit.)
- You have used the words ‘dodgy’ ‘gutted’ or ‘brass monkeys’ in recent memory.
- You can identify 63 types of rain. And you have suitable clothing for all of them.
- You feel about the local pub like other nationalities do about their childhood home.
- Every dog is a friend you just haven’t met yet.
- A good weekend involves a National Trust property, DIY, some mud and a takeaway curry.
- You always watch the BBC when it comes to events of national importance. It’s just more… traditional.
- You really are quite fond of the Queen. And if she invited you for tea, on balance, you’d definitely go.