Eyes down! It’s time for the annual festival of fluff and nonsense that is Eurovision, and we’re celebrating with our patented Candis Bingo Game. Whether you’re attending a karaoke party dressed as Finland’s entry from 1987, or just slumping on the sofa to mock, stick with us for what promises to be a long night. Just tick ‘em off (or have a sip of European wine) as they happen…
Graham Norton makes a comment so bitingly risqué that only three viewers understand it.
A ‘welcome to our country’ video shows flowers waving in the breeze and a laughing couple cycling over a bridge.
A ‘welcome to our country’ video attempts to be humorous – and isn’t.
A presenter wears a strapless dress and her hilarious co-presenter pretends to look down it.
A presenter says ‘everybody is having a great time here!’ and the camera pans to three people huddled in a deserted town square.
A singer rips her long skirt/cape off to reveal white hot pants and a bra.
Someone does inexplicable, angry ballet behind a pop singer.
A singer is hoisted aloft by four muscular men dressed as riot police.
Somebody sings a verse in English and the lyrics make less sense that they did before.
An acoustic guitarist sings a weak song about nature.
Two attractive foreign presenters flirt clunkily with each other in English.
Somebody’s live feed breaks down and they’re left mouthing silently.
Graham Norton strives to say something positive about the British attempt that ends in a bitter joke.
A pyrotechnic goes slightly wrong.
One country’s act is utterly terrifying and makes children cry.
Spain does something borderline insane, featuring a troupe of whirling dancers and a beautiful woman.
A sister act hints at Sapphic raunch in their dance routine, but it comes to nothing.
The Irish entry is melodic, tear-jerking and nicely sung.
The Baltic states all vote shamelessly for each other.
The eventual winner is completely ordinary and unmemorable in every way.
Conchita Wurst cries.