It’s like Christmas for amateur bakers…because tonight sees the start of the new series of the Great British Bake-Off. We know we can expect Mel, Sue, Paul, Mary and a whole lot of baking-related fun… and there are probably quite a few other things we can expect too, so we’ve created Bake-Off Bingo in its honour. Every time one of these things happens, have a mouthful of cake…
*Mary wears a hectic and slightly unsuitable floral item from Per Una that’s destined to sell out the next day.
*The camera lingers on Paul’s icy-cold blue eyes as he cruelly assesses a soggy bottom.
*Paul says, “I’m a bit disappointed, to be honest.”
*Mary says, “I can see what you were aiming for” as the camera cuts to a cracked sponge disc leaning like the tower of Pisa.
*Someone makes a joke about Mary’s liking for sherry. She looks a bit frosty.
*One of the ‘educational insert’ experts thinks she’s on the History Channel and goes into way too much detail about social conditions at the time of the Bath Bun.
*Sue announces a European recipe no one’s ever heard of and the contestants all pull terrified faces.
*Mel makes an innuendo that’s so obscure nobody laughs.
*The credits include a close-up of a tray of perfect cakes being dropped.
*A humourless, driven sixth-former contestant comes top three weeks running and pretends to be amazed.
*A cosy-looking gran turns out to be filled with burning ambition, and commits fridge-based sabotage.
*A bumbling middle-aged schoolteacher with some “Richard’s pencil” style quirk gets thrown out in week two.
*A previously good contestant falls apart after coming bottom and weeps when they’re ejected.
*Paul looms up terrifyingly just as a baking disaster is discovered, and says, “What exactly were you trying to do?”
*A rabbit appears outside the marquee, and takes up several crucial minutes of filming time.
*Sue mindlessly eats something that was vital for decoration.
*Mel comforts a panicking contestant and puts her elbow in something edible.
*Bunting gets rained on.
*Someone is too ambitious and tries to construct the Albert Hall out of sponge fingers. Mary says, “It was a brave attempt.”
What have we missed? Let us know @Candismagazine #GBBO